Jason the Uranian

Our story begins on a fine, dusty morning on the small red planet of Mars like all good science fiction stories do. However, you should be aware that Mars goes only by that name on the blue/green/white planet of Earth and is regarded by the name Jabalabafish everywhere else. Since you are most likely an Earthling reading this, we will use the name Mars. If you are not from Earth, the publishing company sends you its apologies and a small basket of Neptunian algulfed. But back to our story.

So our story begins on Mars. But Martians are not the only ones present. There’s also a rather large number of people from Uranus dressed in full out Andromedidic battle garb. As you might have guessed, the Uranians are on Mars to wage war on the Martians. But this is nothing new. The Uranians have been waging war on the Martians every year at the same time. It’s become more of a tradition that history. You Earthlings would recognize this annual light show as the Perseid Meteor Shower. In some ways the galactic council regards you as correct. They are pieces of Mars flying towards you.

But this year was different. This year someone would win. Or rather, everyone would win.

Sunrise had just broken on Mars as the suns rays poked over tiny Mercury. The Martians were just arising for the day, their very last day, when they heard the awful noise. The awful noise was a high pitched squeaking, much like the very annoying sound a large amount of mice can make on the planet Earth. It is interesting to note that this is exact frequency at which a Martian’s skull vibrates. Which makes Martians very stressed out.

A few miles away, the Uranians had set up a bonfire and were all huddled around it chanting like warriors do in a really cheaply produced battle movie made on Earth. In fact, this is where they had gotten the idea. Never before had either the Martians or the Uranians spoke to each other during these great battles, and perhaps this is why it all changed.

It didn’t take long before all the Martians had died of stress. However, it took even longer for the Uranians to figure this out since Uranians are not very smart. With the exception of their Captain, who spends most of his time during the battle on the mother ship above, shaking his head, and watching the Uranians down below make fools of themselves.

But when the Captain saw all the Martians drop dead to the ground, his mouth gaped in shock and he drooled a little bit on his immaculate, white captain’s uniform.

This did not make him look very smart. And when he saw what happened next, he fainted.

Of course, now your wondering what happened next. Well it so happens that the Uranians did eventually discover that all the Martians had died, and even though they had no idea how, they started screaming VICTORY TO THE URANIANS! and twisted the flag of the United States of America into the ground. It was only about 30 centimetres tall, but it would have to do. They got it when they returned their really cheaply made battle movie to Blockbuster.

But as they twisted the little flag into the dusty ground, it split into a huge gorge like the ice caps do with global warming. The very large crack in the ground wound its way around the entire circumference of dusty red planet, and all the Uranians on the planet could do was gasp before the planet collapsed in on itself and sucked them in with it.

But during the initial earthquake that occurred while the planet was splitting in half, one of the dead Martian’s bodies was thrown off into space and was falling straight towards the Earth. To make matters even better, it was falling precisely for Area 51 in the United States of America. And for those who are not familiar with Area 51: if you are an earthling, Google it for crying out loud. If you are from somewhere off the planet Earth, then it is a top secret operation set up by the President of the United States to deal with all Alien encounters. The British version of Area 51 is Torchwood. Now you know. But back to the Alien falling towards the hands of extra terrestrial crazed scientists that where white jackets. I’m not quite sure what that tells you about them.

During all this, the teenage son of the Uranian Captain, (who also happened to be quite smart) woke his father from the floor on the bridge by screaming at him. However the teenage son was not aware that he was screaming because he had the latest Uranian brain cortex stereo system glued to his skull. Just as the two began getting up off the floor, the Captain grabbed the dashboard and yelled “JASON!” at the top of his lungs, which happened to be his son’s name. At that exact moment the planet called Mars to Earthlings split apart and rocked the Uranian mother ship, knocking the Captain’s son, I mean Jason, out the emergency exit flap, and into deep space to plummet towards some random point on the Earth.

The Captain, thinking fast, set his ship to hyper speed (which is equivalent to about 5 km per hour Earth speed) to rush after his falling son. However the gravity of Earth happened to have a crush on Jason and pulled him towards the earth faster than normally possible. It is also interesting to note that Gravity’s love affairs are what lead it to being discovered by Isaac Newton on Earth. But this is irrelevant. What is important is that the Captain’s log would later register that he was rushing after the falling Martain in hopes of preventing the secret of other alien life forms from the Earthlings, instead of OH MY GOD! MY SON IS PLUMMETTING TO HIS DEATH! I MUST SAVE HIM!

But back to the plummeting aliens, because that’s all you Earthlings really care about right now. Jason continued to fall toward the Earth faster than the dead Martian, so we’ll start with him. He crashed through the window of an Earth dwelling and quickly hid under an Earthling child’s bed where he wouldn’t be discovered until morning.

The falling Martian crashed through the roof of Area 51 in graceful fashion, only to land on the military commander, killing him, and sending the US military into chaos over who would be leader next. This made for a much better light show than the Perseid Meteor Show, so Earthling astronomers showed up to watch that instead.

But the E.T. crazed scientists quickly took the Martian into their labs and began to run tests. Two of the scientists couldn’t handle the fact that there were actually aliens on earth and broke out into violent seizures they would later die from. After a short but meaningful memorial, the other scientists found the alien to be the most brilliant thing in the world and adapted their discovery into the next hit science fiction movie show, Ghostbusters meet Aliens. But it was short lived.

Approximately a month after the world had seen the movie, approximately half the world suddenly turned into werewolves. It wasn’t long before they started wrecking havoc on the major cites, and burning down the White House. Why? Just because they ran out of important things to wreck havoc on. Panicking like Americans are so good at, the United States of America declared a state of emergency. The United Nations then had a impromptu meeting and decided that the NASA should deal with the problem. NASA replied with, “How is this our problem?”. The UN replied with, “Do it or we blow you up with the Nuclear Missiles you designed.”

NASA quickly acted.

With aid from the UN peacekeeping military, they rounded up all the Earthlings who had been turned into werewolves and started launching them into deep space using a really big Nuclear cannon. The werewolf Earthlings would later establish a colony on the Hubble Space Telescope, with the exception of those who crashed and splattered all over a Uranian Mother Ship rushing toward Earth. Unfortunately for the Uranian Captain, before he could find the windshield wiper button, he crashed into the moon making a rather deep crater the E.T. crazed scientists would later spend years studying.

At least the late Captain didn’t see the crash coming apart from a slight bing noise, followed by the computer saying “Impending Doom” very casually, moments before impact.

It is also important to note that NASA burned with welding torches all copies of Ghostbusters meet Aliens and the alien itself, which is why you’ve never seen it, and Area 51 went back into hiding.

About ten days later, the other half of the Earthlings still living began to wonder where the other half went. Of course, the only people who really knew were the UN and NASA, but the actual story was caught up in so much red tape that the remaining Earthlings were lead to believe that the other half had tried to dig to China, and burned when they reached the really hot part in the middle of the Earth. A very large memorial service was held.

But for every myth, there is a crack pot. One Earthling tried to make to world believe that the other half died because they drank water polluted with acid rain. That Earthling died of dehydration two days later.

And it was on the day of this Earthling’s passing that the Alien that Earthling child found under his bed told him what really happened. Jason the Uranian and Joey the Earthling became great friends, and wrote this story to tell you all what really happened. Then they published it all over the internet where you are now reading it. They wish to mention to their readers that in case they didn’t notice, this story happened in exactly 42 days with all things alien related on Earth.

Jason the Uranian and Joey the Earthling are alive and well in downtown New York. Both Jason and Joey attended University, Majoring in the supernatural. The two are now accepting donations to launch a space mission to Uranus, which Jason the Uranian will lead. They hope you are alive and well, and urge you to prepare for the coming of the Mayans back from Pluto in 2012. They also think you should re-instate it as a planet in an effort not to tick the Mayans off. Thanks for reading!</>